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北美崔哥脱口秀:来美国的所有下场!(文字版)

帖子发表于 : 2012年 6月 6日 星期三 7:19 pm
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北美崔哥脱口秀:来美国的所有下场!(文字版)

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据联合国统计,世界上最大的忽悠就是纽约的自由女神,丫一举手,全世界不明真相的人们就全来了,包括二十年前来的我自己。来美国后的下场有很多,随便举几个,给党和国家领导人以及普通百姓参考。

下场1.来了以后混得特好,混进主流和政界,自己本人或者下一代当了市长议员甚至驻华大使,结果到中国一混,被人骂成汉奸。

下场2.来美国后拿了学位,回中国当了上市公司高管,结果没过几年,被一个叫方舟子的小子揭发说学位是假的,从此抬不起头来,开始阳痿。

下场3.来美国后娶妻生子,有工作有房子,混得不好不坏的,结果整天后悔没赶上国内崛起的机会,没赚到大钱,没赶上贪污包二奶的好机会,没能上市和过呼风唤雨的生活。郁郁寡欢,心病累累,在悲愤中度过余生。

下场4.来美国后特别知足,天蓝地阔空气鲜,美国人个个都是活雷锋,整天信教,跑步,练瑜伽,基本不再说中文,除了还觉得面条比汉堡好吃外,对中国已经没有好感和认同。一辈子不回那又脏又挤又有毒的破国家才好呢。觉得在美国实在是太舒服了,最后闹一个舒服死完事。

下场5.在美国打餐馆装修卖旧货,干着旧社会劳动人民都不干的体力活,每年穿西服戴名牌回国一次,牛B回来后再换上围裙,该干什么干什么。临去世时仰望蓝天骂道:我靠,人生原来就是这般造型?

下场6.为逃避双规来到美国,虽然带了钱出来,可是再也找不到往日的辉煌,没人请客,没人送礼,没有二奶,嫖娼开不了发票。后悔来美国服无期徒刑,还真不如在国内挨一枪呢。

下场7.在国内退休后,来美国安度晚年,结果发现自己听不懂,看不懂,不开车,不认路,不挣钱,只花钱,成了聋子瞎子瘸子穷鬼外加傻瓜。与此同时,又突然感受到自己养大的儿女已经受美国人熏陶变得抠门自私外加孙子。孤独地带了几年孩子,坐了几年监狱,痛快地吵了几次大架,最后毅然投奔祖国,发誓再也不登美帝国主义的家门。

下场8.好不容易和美国人结了婚,生了谁也不像的混血儿。表面风光的背后,饱尝和一个只能沟通30%到60%的人生活的痛苦。后来呢,要么离婚当了剩女,要么在外面睡别的男人,在不知不觉中开始一个人的夕阳红。

下场9.在美国呆了好多年,开始精神出现问题,就象北美崔哥我这样逮谁给谁讲脱口秀,说美国如何如何不好,结果没人信;又讲美国如何如何的好,结果遭愤青骂;想说国内如何如何落后,怕被封杀了回不了国;又想使劲夸中国如何如何进步,结果更被确诊为神经有问题。总之,整天在资本主义和社会主义之间徘徊,深了不是,浅了不是,最后内分泌彻底紊乱。

下场10.在国内是特别有个性的前卫人士,以骂中国喷中国出位走红,变成名嘴大腕儿,终于有一天自己移民来了美国。结果发现没一个人认识自己,再没有出场费,经纪人,掌声和粉丝;过着只出不进花一分少一分的生活,没朋友没事业没希望,对伟大祖国的思念悠然而升。不到一年终于忍不住了,见到五星红旗就落泪,听见国歌就鼻子发酸,看见炸酱面都放声痛哭,谁说一句中国不好就跟谁急。结果,蜕变成一个忠贞不渝的爱国者,完全失去了当年的个性和酷,被80后90后的粉丝们抛弃并被鄙视为傻B一个。

下场11.在国内是正儿八经的独生子,衣来伸手,饭来张口。到美国不到半年,居然会自己做饭了,会刷碗,会洗衣服了,会自己挣钱了。回国后居然还懂得给长辈夹菜,让人嘲笑说怎么突然懂人事了。从此失去了独生子女的霸气和派头,变成一特别庸俗的人。

下场12.国内考不上大学来美国,钱也花了,学位也拿了,还是找不到工作。政治庇护申请了没批,没有绿卡,没有前途,身份黑了,随便找份黑工凑合干吧。 没想过哪天回国,也没想过哪天去世后埋哪儿。先混着吧。

下场13.特小就被爹妈送了美国,在身体和心灵都不健全的情况下,饱受了寄人篱下,离乡背井,文化冲击,孤独寂寞和吃不上羊肉泡馍的摧残,心理出现全面扭曲:抑郁,自闭,迁怒,颓废。心里就想问母亲几句话:你丫是我亲妈吗?我招你了惹你了你送我入火坑?我失去的青春你给我补呀?我当初同意你生我了吗?你们俩做爱你生我干吗呀?活着这么累你以为我愿意被生吗?

下场14.以上这些结局还不包括那些飞来横祸的,比如,在只有美国才有的特快高速公路上的车祸,只有美国才有的枪击,只有美国才有的黑人朋友的抢劫,只有美国才有的911事件-------- 那两座大楼到底埋葬了多少好不容易混到华尔街的中国精英?谁也不知道。

总之,离开故土和家人,到别人家去过,对谁都是很难的一件事。这其中包含着太多的说不出来的无奈,委屈,痛苦和叹息。谁要是告诉你来美国跟吃糖豆似的,从头到尾都是甜的,那他就是虚伪,幼稚,浅薄和没感情。

当然,有人会说他混得不错,不属于我上述列举的任何一种,我觉得这也正常,旧社会也不是人人都是皮包骨,也有不小心成了胖子的,也有混得特好的穷人。谁好谁带着,谁苦谁知道;在美国混了20多年的华人谁都知道谁的底儿。有本事说真话,别在没出过国的人面前牛B。

三年前我在西雅图自家地下室录了段视频“劝你不要来美国”,没想到不但没劝住,反而来美国的人越来越多。照这个速度,我担心早晚有一天再一回国找不到中国人了。美国还是要来,但是要承认来美国是遭罪来的。我们中国人受得罪多了,一般的小罪没什么。

世界上人人都怕死,可是没有一个因为死而不愿生出来。一旦生出来,有谁还打算活着回去呢?

Re: 北美崔哥脱口秀:来美国的所有下场!(文字版)

帖子发表于 : 2018年 10月 10日 星期三 11:54 pm
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Re: 北美崔哥脱口秀:来美国的所有下场!(文字版)

帖子发表于 : 2019年 5月 1日 星期三 11:21 am
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Re: 北美崔哥脱口秀:来美国的所有下场!(文字版)

帖子发表于 : 2019年 5月 18日 星期六 9:45 pm
steveg20
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